I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
