i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
