Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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