I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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