Me too!
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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