His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
