I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
