i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
