i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
