Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
