She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
