Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
