Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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