sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
