i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
