Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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