I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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