I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
