dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
