If that was your dad, he is hot
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
