Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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