Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
