Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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