You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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