mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
