There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
