i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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