imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
