Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
