My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
