capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
