WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
