u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
