I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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