If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
