I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize