He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize