I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
