My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize