There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I want you more than these girls want KFC
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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