I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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