remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just found puke in my bra..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize