K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
