My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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