I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
