he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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