He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
