At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
