i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
