Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i wish my penis had a tongue
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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