I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
