Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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