Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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