so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
