Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
only you would photoshop your dick
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
