so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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