im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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