If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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